I splurged on 3 books at Borders today. I eat so much Cap'n Crunch. I'm starting to like Mini Oreos more than the real thing. I want to skip work tomorrow and go to the aquarium with kindergarten. Today we brainstormed ideas to make that possible, and I think the best was Wesley's idea of shrinking me so my job can't find me. Kelsey even offered to carry me around in her pocket all day. But they're worried that then the baby sharks in the petting zoo section will try to eat me. Dag. I didn't think I'd ever have to worry about baby sharks eating me. Biting me, maybe.

monday=no work=good!

Today was a good day. That hasn't been true in a long time. It was especially good in contrast to what a terrible day yesterday was. Yesterday only ended okay because of Cameron, and today was only good because of Cameron. I'm so lucky to have him--even if it's only for another two weeks.

Now that I'm for sure staying at home for the rest of the summer (sad depressing heartbreaking disappointing), I realize that I have to be happy here. In the last year, I've learned that I'm severely lacking the skill that enables people to make themselves be happy. They talk themselves into it. They can be happy based on mindset and attitude alone. I want to be like that. I know that it's something I have to learn how to do, and I guess now I really will. I'll try, at least. But that doesn't mean I can't try to find outside influences to help me out. I guess I have to rule out sex, drugs, and alcohol. Dang it. That would've been easy. But I could go to the singles ward, reconnect with some people I've forgotten about, and I really need to find something to occupy me at home other than books. Well, maybe that last one isn't true. But once my eyes start to bleed because I read so much, maybe I'll take up a hobby.

When Biz made that mix cd for Katy's trip to Spain, I bet she didn't think that it would eventually sing my soul. But it does. And quite often, too--it's the only thing I listen to these days.

Also, what gives?? The 24 finale left me unsatisfied. And frustrated. And depressed.

Also, Katy knows I have a blog. I'm humiliated. Above all things, I wanted this to be a secret from her. I want the respect of my little sister. But SOMEONE sold me out even though she swore on the life of her unborn child. Christy, you owe me big time for this betrayal. Now that you have a ununborn child--(a born child?)--you better watch yo'self.

I'm in a good mood.

I just wanted to document that.

this is why blogs are a bad idea

This is a bleak bleak BLEAK summer.

With Seth and Justin's powers combined, I'm almost convinced to start going to singles ward. I'm not certain a miracle will happen and friends will appear, but I have to at least try. My freaking comfort zone will have to be breached. I should be feeling optimistic instead of hopeless. Today people called me who I was really excited to talk to--all my freshman year boys are getting off their missions. Today I didn't feel sorry for myself, and instead I was happy. I should try to make that a habit again.

But it's REALLY hard sometimes. I don't have any friends here, I hate being alone, I hate waking up early, I hate working full time, I hate my job, I hate getting dumped, I hate knowing that I'm here for 3 more months, I miss Provo and all my friends. I'm such a freaking hater, and such a baby. But not a baby-hater--that's good right?

I was feeling sad that all my cool new personal progression didn't get a chance to be tested and proven--just now realized that this IS the test and so far I'm sucking at it.

This is so awkward and pathetic. Ok I'm done. Back to my sad music that somehow makes me feel better. I'm so lame.

Today was my first day at work. I am tired, and dreading the morrow. It's not REALLY bad, but who wants to clean for 8 hours? For the most part I'm either on my own, or dealing with old people. Most of them are really sweet. They touch my face and tell me how cute I am--that's totally fine with me. But today they put me in the dementia ward--ahhh scary. Not entirely, but I did get yelled at by some residents who couldn't figure out what I was doing in their room. I hate getting yelled at. It was scary.

Perks:
--Cool uniform. I like how I look. Simple, but professional.
--I'm making bank. I can put myself through college.
--Boosted self esteem. Old people think I'm adorable just because I smile at them.
--Dad's proud of me for having a hard job.
--My evenings are free.
--I'm learning how to wake up early.

Ok, counting my blessings worked, I feel a lot better about it.

Concord

Being home is weird. Stress isn't gone, it's just changed. But stress is worse at home because there's less to distract me, and it seems so wrong to feel unhappy in California. I hate making decisions that will influence more than the rest of my day.
At least Pampo is here. I mean Lucy. It's hard to start calling her by her real name. She's the most adorable baby--I'm in love. Sometimes I'm timid around babies, especially newborns, because I don't want to make a wrong move. They're so fragile! But this baby is mine, so I don't worry. Lucy and I are comfortable. She sleeps on me, I change her diaper, we're buds.
I miss Provo and Park Place and life there.
I miss some things. And someones.

I feel thirsty and sick and terrible.
I'ma go to bed early and sleep it off.