yay good things

I am feeling pretty happy today.  The sun is shining, hallelujah! I need to go outside and bask in it.  I've spent most of the day packing to go to California.  Ruby and I are hitching a ride with Christy and Co. as they go home for a week.  I got Mumford & Sons blaring as I packed up our stuff, which is a surefire way to improve my mood.

Also:

• My peanut butter sandwich at lunch was unreasonably good.  
• Kelsie is bringing me a treat from The Chocolate later today.  
• Ruby is feeling better after being sick all week and throwing up twice.  
• Yesterday I got an fun package from Celia.  
• My mouth still hurts, but I don't need heavy-duty medication to manage it.  
• I'm making plans to see Chelsea while at home, one of my best friends in high school who I haven't seen in years.  
• Super Why is really rocking my world lately (and Ruby's).  
• Kelsie brought over a ton of cinnamon rolls.
• On Sunday I get to watch The Walking Dead with my whole family.
• Super Tuesday was awesome. 6 out of 10 is pretty dang good.
• Ruby wore squeaky shoes for the first time today. Hilarity ensued.
• Kyle is coming home in ten minutes ish.

Tonight we're going to eat dinner in Salt Lake, and then Ruby and I are spending the night at Christy's pad so we can take off at the crack of dawn tomorrow.  With 4 little girls, all of whom are in varying states of sickness ranging from kind of sick to massively sick.  Pobrecitas.  I call not sitting in the middle back in between the twins' carseats!!!  (Yeah right. Christy is still very much the big sister and can boss me around with very little effort. I sit where she tells me.)

Think good thoughts for poor Kyle who is going to be alone all week.  Either that or invite him to hang out with you and have fun times together.

a little bit of heaven

I love this picture so much. It's "A Little Bit of Heaven" by Bessie Pease Gutmann and it's been up in my grandma's house for as long as I can remember.  And I just can't get it anywhere.  All I want is a little postcard sized print, but the only prints available online that I can find are like, original and big and a ton of money.  I'm frustrated.

You know how okay I've been with everything?  Well, it turns out I'm not.  Just a delayed reaction. I will be okay though.  Along with everything else in the world, it will just take some time.

Extraction

Yesterday I lounged on a heated massage chair and watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Annnnnd I was breathing laughing gas because I was getting my wisdom teeth out.  My dentist is so awesome.  With headphones in, breathing nitrous oxide, massage chair at full power, it was possible to tune out the dentist yanking shiz around in my mouth and poking needles in my gums and forget where I was. The experience was downright pleasant. I think it's the laughing gas more than anything--man, I love that stuff.  Although I did hear a cracking sound when he was pulling one of the teeth.  I just tried not to think about that.

Now, of course, is the hard part.  The numbness is gone and no more delicious nitrous oxide.  But the bleeding has mostly stopped, and the dentist sent me home with a prescription for painkillers.  I mostly just pop pills and read in bed while Kyle takes care of Ruby and everything else. Good man.  Plus, we have plenty of pudding.

So life isn't so bad.

trying to stay positive

For dinner I had chocolate milk and a plain bagel with plain cream cheese.  If asked what my all-time favorite meal is, that would be my answer. And it was delicious.

I finished Game of Thrones and loved it.  Not recommended for everyone as there are some "content issues"--but I read Sharon Kay Penman novels at a relatively young age so I can handle it. Sad thing: the 2nd in the series is "on order" at my library, and I'm the 7th in the queue. It'll be a while before I can get my hands on it.  I also just finished Divergent and quite enjoyed it.  I'm currently in the middle of Marisa de los Santos' 3rd novel.  So far it's just like her other 2 books--which means it's gorgeously written and I love it.

I've discovered that shaving my legs helps me feel better in any situation. (Except a situation in which I had both legs amputated, I guess.)  But really, it's remarkable how much my mood improves after shaving my legs.  Does anyone else feel this way?

This has been a crappy week.  The weather is keeping me from hanging out with Christy, which means I stay at home all day.  Ruby has been sick too, so we're both crabby and restless.

The day I miscarried, one of my wisdom teeth started hurting. (Come on, universe. Seriously?)  It's gotten worse and worse.  I now have an appointment on Friday to have my 2 wisdom teeth taken out.  I'm excited to not have to worry about my teeth anymore, and dreading the pain and anxiety that come with oral surgery.  (I wish I had just gotten them all out when I had one taken out last year.  Past Becca was pretty cowardly with that decision.)  So on Friday I will go take a blood test at my OB office in Provo (I have to go in weekly until my hcg levels are at a 5) and then go almost directly to the dentist.  And my weekend is entirely shot.

I was feeling very sorry for myself today, until about half an hour ago.  Two shaved legs and one eaten bagel later, I feel like a new person.  I am going to try to keep this feeling with me, because feeling depressed sucks.  Good food and good books definitely help.  I have to enjoy the good food while I can--come Friday, I won't be eating normally for a week.

one week later

Poor Kyle. No Birthday Week for him this year.  It's kind of rough when our house is feeling so melancholy.  Mom and Katy left on Friday and I haven't left the house since.  Ok not really--I went to a doctor appt. that afternoon, and yesterday we went to lunch with Alan and Nieman.  And really, we're fine.  I probably make it sound worse than it actually is.  Hopefully, the blood test results will come back and they'll call me and tell me I don't have to come in again.  They keep checking my blood to see if my pregnancy hormone levels are down to zero.  It's just a pain to keep going back in. I want the whole thing to be over.

Kyle's 28th birthday is tomorrow.  Kelsie offered to babysit Ruby, so we're going to do dinner and a movie using gift certificates Kyle got for his birthday.

Things that are making me happy:

• The results of retail therapy, courtesy of my mom--jeans and a couple shirts, lots and lots of food from Costco, Ruby's new Ikea chair that I'm going to cover, and her new Magnadoodle that we all love to play with.

• Thoughtful gifts from friends and family that let me know they're thinking of me, like a box of Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcakes from Nancy and awesome nail polish from Ashley (which I'm wearing right now).

• The huge stack of library books next to my bed.  Yesterday I read 500 pages of Game of Thrones  (finally, I've been wanting to read it forever!) and it's great to take my mind off things.

• Cadbury Mini-Eggs.

• Ruby's tricks. She is getting funnier every day and really brightens things up around here.

• The Thanksgiving Point pass my mom got for me and Christy. You know where we'll be every Tuesday and Thursday for the next year.

• Kyle.  Sometimes when he's asleep he looks like a movie star. A movie star who is helpful and sweet and extremely thoughtful.

• I'll miss Downton Abbey, but at least The Walking Dead is on tonight.

Right now I hear Ruby giggling wildly while Kyle gives her a bath. Things like that make me smile.

Very Sad News

Over the weekend I had a miscarriage.

I'm not really sure what to say about it.  Physically, it was extremely painful. Emotionally, it's confusing and hard to accept.  Right now I'm focusing on recovering physically and I'll deal with the other stuff later.

I was 12 weeks along so it came as a shock--12 weeks is right at the mark where you start to feel safe.
 
It's a terrible thing that has happened, but I feel very grateful for some things.  The main thing is that it happened at Zions, where we were with my family for a fun vacation weekend.  It sucks that the trip I've been so excited about was ruined, but I am so glad my family was with us. I had my mom to take care of me.  I had my dad to take care of business, like talking to the hotel to extend our check-out time and figuring out when we should leave.  I had my sisters to cry for me and take care of Ruby.  I had my brother-in-law to medicate me with his emergency stash of Vicodin.  I had Nieman and Alan to eat breakfast with Kyle when  I couldn't get out of bed and then drive our car home.   My mom and Katy are now staying here for the rest of the week and I'm grateful for their help and company.

I went to the OB today and saw a nice nurse practitioner.  She told me that the average woman has 1 or 2 miscarriages in her reproductive lifetime.  I don't need to go do a D&C, I've done it all on my own.  She gave me a prescription for pain meds, for which I am very grateful.  Miscarriages hurt.  They did some blood tests, and saw that my pregnancy hormones are still really high.  I have to go back on Friday and probably next week until the hormone levels get to zero.

The worst part is when I forget that it happened--and then have to remember all over again.  I've been a pregnant person for 3 months now, so it's an adjustment.  I have to remind myself that I CAN take ibuprofen and drink Dr. Pepper and have a hot pad on my stomach.  It's just hard to believe that I'm not pregnant anymore.  And when I wake up from a bad dream (which happens often, probably from the Vicodin) and think "oh phew, it wasn't real" but then remember what real life is right now and my relief goes away.  That sucks.

The dumbest things upset me.  Like, I bought a body pillow last week because I've heard it makes sleeping a lot easier when you get heavily pregnant.  I haven't taken it out of its package yet because I haven't needed it.  Now, I see it in my room and I'm furious that I spent money on it.  I don't want it. I want to throw it away.  But that's silly.  Especially because I'm sure I'll get pregnant again and need it in the future.  But for now, I hate that thing.

This is going to be really hard for Kyle and me but I know we'll be okay.  This is the first really hard thing that's happened to us and I already feel like we've grown closer and stronger together.  I am just trying to focus on the positive things and be grateful for them.

Valentines Day

We had another most excellent Valentines Day around here.  Kyle and I realized that this was our 5th Valentines Day together--totally wild!  Doesn't make any sense to me, but I keep counting and it keeps being 5, so it has to be true.

I woke up to a sweet note from Kyle and an entire bag of Mini Eggs. Mmm. (They are almost all gone already.)  Ruby and I met Christy and her girls in Draper and spent the afternoon with them, which is always my #1 Favorite Activity.  It turns out Ruby looooves valentines.  She got 3 from Lucy, Christy, and my mom and she carries them around with her all the time! It's really cute.

While out and about with Christy, I got Kyle his gift--a new firm pillow. He really likes it.

Once Kyle got home, we went on a Pick A Place date, one of our favorite things.  We take turns thinking of somewhere to go and surprise the other person with it.  It takes a lot of pressure off the "What are we going to do?" dilemma that we often find ourselves with.  I picked first--and surprised Kyle with a very fancy dinner at KFC.  Kyle loooooves KFC (ever since working there as a teen) but he never gets to go there because I think it's gross.  I felt very good giving him the gift of fried chicken, and quite enjoyed my biscuit :)  He then chose to walk around BYU campus and take cute pictures of Ruby. We hadn't been back on campus for a while so it was super fun!  As I watched him run around and play with Ruby, I thought about when I was single and saw young, handsome fathers playing with their adorable babies on campus and Just. Wanted. One.  Now I have one and it is so awesome and I feel incredibly lucky!

I chose dessert at Sweet Tooth Fairy, he chose going home to put Ruby to bed and get a frosty glass of milk to eat our cookies with, and I chose watching Return of the King (which Celia so awesomely sent me this week because she is the best).

Kyle is awesome and it was a great day. The end.