Wednesday, October 3, 2012

frustrated

I'm frustrated with pregnancy--or rather, the lack of it.  Having a miscarriage is terrible for many reasons, one of which is that it completely threw off my "plan."  (Christy and I have talked about how ridiculous it is to try to plan things like children or, you know, the future.  Christy had a plan and then her husband got cancer and they had to do IVF to get pregnant again.  I had a plan and then lost the baby when I was so close to the safe 2nd trimester.  So basically, it's hilarious to think that we have any control in these things.)

I always wanted my kids to be 2 years apart.  My sisters and I are spaced that way and it's awesome.  We were close enough to be best friends and interested in the same things at the same times.  We could share clothes and go to school together.  It must have been tricky for Mom when we were tiny, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make so that Ruby and her siblings could be close in age.  I timed my 2nd pregnancy perfectly--until I wasn't pregnant anymore.  And now, Ruby is fully 2.  It's too late.  Her closest sibling will be closer to 3 years younger than her, assuming I get pregnant anytime soon.  (Why is this taking so long?)  It's hard to accept that my plan has officially failed, but I'm trying to get over it.  Whatever is supposed to happen, will happen.  But it sucks to wait.

I was pretty bummed on the baby's due date in August.  Luckily, Ruby was especially cute and sweet that day, as if she knew she had to cheer me up.

6 comments:

Chelsea Edgren said...

Oh Becca! I have no words but I am thinking of you and I LOVE you!

Kayla @ Freckles in April said...

Every time you post I keep expecting a pregnancy announcement! I'm sorry things have been kind of rough :/

Have they tested your progesterone levels? It turned out that was the cause behind one of my miscarriages. Low progesterone can make it difficult to get and then stay pregnant. Fortunately, it's a pretty easy fix.

Love you! I'm thinking of you!

Christy said...

Nothing ever happens the way I want it to. Fortunately it usually still works out for the best:)

Christy said...

That was an annoyingly positive comment. It sucks. I wish want we want would happen.

Celia said...

I just really love you. I wish there was more to say, but just know that you are amazing and wonderful (and a million other things).

Nancy said...

I'm totally with you Becca. I'm so sorry. I'm not sure if it ever came up that I had a miscarriage back in March. (Our kids don't even know--aren't we so irresponsible??) I'm about at the due date too and it's just quite a bummer. Now, I think your situation is WAY worse so I'm not trying to one up you here. :) I have four great kids and was feeling greedy as it was but I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry and I totally get the failed expectation. You have all of my wishes and prayers for something to happen soon, soon, soon!