This is probably one of those posts I'll be embarrassed about later, because it's not "Oh hey this is what's going on lately", instead it's like "These are my issues, let's discuss on the interwebs about them." BUT I think (hope) that these are relatable issues--it can't just be me, yeah?
So. I guess what it all boils down to is laziness? I'm mostly just mad at myself because I can't make myself DO anything when I'm on my own. I was just visiting my family in California for a week, and I was crazy busy and I loved it. I was up at 7 every morning, running around doing errands, cleaning, cooking, decorating, getting stuff done--with some fun things mixed in, of course. Then, after dinner, we relaxed for a bit and then went to bed and fell asleep instantly, feeling great about our busy day and looking forward to tomorrow (or maybe that was just me).
Now I'm back at home in Utah, alone, and I am so so so lazy. My house is already clean. There are no immediate laundry needs. I already did the small amount of dishes. It's not like I am neglecting anything really important, which is nice I guess. I just want to be one of those wives/moms (soon)--always on the move, improving everything around them. There are things I COULD do-- finish some thank-you cards, do some more baby laundry, finish an embroidery project--and maybe I will. But right now, I am just lethargic and not getting off the couch. I know that the moms out there will be like "OH MY GOSH you ungrateful swine, just appreciate the quiet and restfulness of your life" and I don't disagree--I know I will look back on this point of my life and curse myself for not enjoying the luxury of cleanliness and silence and all that. I'm just worried about my future if I can't get out of this habit. I can't watch tv and read blogs and peruse Facebook all day if I also have a kid to take care of!
I asked Christy once if laziness is magically cured when you have kids, because I see her as being extremely proactive and productive and a phenomenal mom. She said absolutely not, it's something you have to struggle with and force yourself to grow out of. It was depressing to realize that I'm going to have to actually work at enjoying work.
Hopefully I can blame a lot of my lethargy on being 8.75 months pregnant (although I suspect that's not the entire reason, because maybe I've always been this way). And then, once I'm not pregnant anymore, I can blame it on the fact that I just had a baby, and I'll be pretty busy getting my internal organs back into their proper places. And THEN it can be blamed on the lack of sleep that goes along with caring for a newborn. Buuuut what about after that? At what point do I really have no excuse for Kyle doing everything for me? (He does, by the way. The second he gets home from work, he's taking care of stuff I should be taking care of. It makes me feel horribly guilty, but I'm also really grateful. A huge reason I want to be an energetic productive person is to pay him back for these last several months of uncomplaining service. He'd probably appreciate some meals that aren't Kraft Mac n Cheese and the occasional spaghetti.)
So I guess my end goal is to be a motivated self-starter. I want to be the woman who finds enjoyment in cleaning the house and making delicious meals. (That might be rare, but I KNOW it exists, because I'm related to several of them. Grandma Kay ENJOYS these things you guys.) OR if I could just clean the house and make delicious meals, and not necessarily enjoy it, but at least appreciate the fact that I HAVE a clean house and good dinner to eat with my family, that would be great too. Oh and while we're at it, craftiness would also be a nice trait to have--I enjoy making things, but I'm not GOOD at it. If I could vacuum, make bread, AND sew something successfully all in one day--I will have arrived. I don't think I feel this way because of pressure from society blah blah blah or whatever. I just see it as a really happy way to live life, and I want that!
And really, I don't feel the need to be Super Woman--I just want to stop watching tv on the couch and start feeling like a worthwhile human being. That would be a great place to start.
ANYWAYS. My laziness is a problem and I need to change. Impending motherhood is making it seem more dire. That's basically it.
(It's also Christy's birthday today. She is one of the moms/wives that I want to be like. If I can take care of my kids the way she does, I will be pleased and feel very successful. She also manages to stay super hot and skinny and pretty all the time, AND is a good wife, AND is crafty, AND maintains a positive attitude even in the midst of trials. All at the same time! Phew. I need to take lessons from her.)