Monday, February 20, 2012

Very Sad News

Over the weekend I had a miscarriage.

I'm not really sure what to say about it.  Physically, it was extremely painful. Emotionally, it's confusing and hard to accept.  Right now I'm focusing on recovering physically and I'll deal with the other stuff later.

I was 12 weeks along so it came as a shock--12 weeks is right at the mark where you start to feel safe.
 
It's a terrible thing that has happened, but I feel very grateful for some things.  The main thing is that it happened at Zions, where we were with my family for a fun vacation weekend.  It sucks that the trip I've been so excited about was ruined, but I am so glad my family was with us. I had my mom to take care of me.  I had my dad to take care of business, like talking to the hotel to extend our check-out time and figuring out when we should leave.  I had my sisters to cry for me and take care of Ruby.  I had my brother-in-law to medicate me with his emergency stash of Vicodin.  I had Nieman and Alan to eat breakfast with Kyle when  I couldn't get out of bed and then drive our car home.   My mom and Katy are now staying here for the rest of the week and I'm grateful for their help and company.

I went to the OB today and saw a nice nurse practitioner.  She told me that the average woman has 1 or 2 miscarriages in her reproductive lifetime.  I don't need to go do a D&C, I've done it all on my own.  She gave me a prescription for pain meds, for which I am very grateful.  Miscarriages hurt.  They did some blood tests, and saw that my pregnancy hormones are still really high.  I have to go back on Friday and probably next week until the hormone levels get to zero.

The worst part is when I forget that it happened--and then have to remember all over again.  I've been a pregnant person for 3 months now, so it's an adjustment.  I have to remind myself that I CAN take ibuprofen and drink Dr. Pepper and have a hot pad on my stomach.  It's just hard to believe that I'm not pregnant anymore.  And when I wake up from a bad dream (which happens often, probably from the Vicodin) and think "oh phew, it wasn't real" but then remember what real life is right now and my relief goes away.  That sucks.

The dumbest things upset me.  Like, I bought a body pillow last week because I've heard it makes sleeping a lot easier when you get heavily pregnant.  I haven't taken it out of its package yet because I haven't needed it.  Now, I see it in my room and I'm furious that I spent money on it.  I don't want it. I want to throw it away.  But that's silly.  Especially because I'm sure I'll get pregnant again and need it in the future.  But for now, I hate that thing.

This is going to be really hard for Kyle and me but I know we'll be okay.  This is the first really hard thing that's happened to us and I already feel like we've grown closer and stronger together.  I am just trying to focus on the positive things and be grateful for them.

19 comments:

Julia Wooten said...

I'm so sad for you guys, I love you! I'm sure it'll seem better with time, but I'm sorry it's.so hard right now!

Munk Photos said...

Our family extends as much love as we possibly can. Chia has mis-carried twice (empathy intended there, not attention) and we know of your pain and confusion. Your family should feel some love vibes coming right..... now. BOOM.

Jaclyn said...

Oh Becca-- I'm so sorry. Sending love and hoping that your heart hurts a little less each day.

Chelsea Edgren said...

My heart is breaking for you. I am at a loss for words as the tears stream down my face. I so, so sorry. Please tell me what I can do for you. I will do ANYTHING!

Whitney said...

I'm so sorry Becca! Y'all are in our prayers- let me know if you need anything.

kate said...

:( Sorry Becca, that sounds horrible.

Celia said...

You are such a great example to me. I love you so much. And although this breaks my heart, I know you will use that pillow someday in the near future. I am so happy your mom and Katy are there.

Christy said...

I'm so horribly sad for you. I try to act very stoic in your presence, I have no idea why. Just know that I'm all stone faced and business-as-usual and I feel terribly sad for you underneath it.

Marissa said...

I'm so sorry Becca! Miscarriages are terrible, and are overall just 5 terrible months (3 months of morning sickness and then 2 months of miscarriage recovery. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I'm sorry that you are going through it. You will be in my prayers!

BecomingtheBeestons said...

Oh Becca this just makes me cry. You know I'm here for whatever, and whenever you need. I have no idea what you are going through, but I have good ears and pretty active tearducts when you're ready! Love you so much!

Cait said...

Becca, thank you for this post and being so open about it. Thank goodness for moms and sisters to take care of you. And please, drinks tons of Dr. Pepper.

jake and natalie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Becca...miscarriages are not easy that's for sure, emoitionally as well as physically. I had a miscarriage back in May and it was so hard. My sister back in October had a stillborn, so this past year has been really really hard for our family and I just really feel so sad for you. I will keep you in my prayers. And please let me know if you need anything at all!

Margaret Marshall Moon said...

I am so very sorry, Becca. It really is such a hard hoop to jump through. Thankfully you did have the blessing of being surrounded by those who love, care, and support you always.

I did the same thing a year ago for what would have been my first. I was starting my second trimester when we had gone to my parents for my birthday weekend. Then from 11:30pm to 1am, I lost it all. It was, as you know, the worst pain I've ever experienced. Afterwards, I was completely lost for my birthday and didn't want anything. And then the next day on for the rest of the year, I literally had pregnancy and birth announcements of friends/family/neighbors at least every three days! It took a long while to stop reeling internally. But you WILL be able to laugh at those reminders like your pillow sooner than it feels.

One of the things that helped me considerably was learning about the reality of emotions: they are merely chemicals. With adrenaline and grief, you can track exactly where you are in the process and how long it will be until you feel normal and neutral again. Every adrenaline spike you get takes 20 min to be broken down. As molecules break off, the remaining bundle is a different emotion to process. The fact that you are feeling moments of anger now shows that you are actually well on your way to healing and calm. The trick is to "not go there" by protecting yourself against fresh injections of adrenaline into your body, which prolongs the experience. It takes practice and focus on good things, which can be difficult when you are grieving. But I promise you, it will make a huge difference for you, your body, and your family if you keep trying to focus on the good, soft, and happifying.

I wish for you and your family all joy possible. Big hugs.

Jennifer Ricks said...

I am so sad that I don't even know what so say. I'm so glad that your mom was with you and that Christy totally knows what you're going through too. I think it's the worst that it's so physically painful when it's so emotionally painful as well. If you can think of anything we can do to help you cheer up, just name it! Seriously.

Ashley Marie said...

Things I would be doing if I were in your living room and not doing a (damn) internship in AZ:
1. Give you an ashley hug
2. Bring you a case of DP
3. Make some muddy buddies
4. Paint your nails
5. RedBox the new twilight movie for your making fun of pleasure

Council Bluffs said...

Hey guys, really sorry to hear that. Let us know if we can do anything for you...how bout we babysit sometime so you guys can go out

Carrie Anderson said...

So sorry for you! You and Kyle are in my prayers as you are dealing with this.

Brittany said...

:( I cried when I read this post. I am incredibly sorry. I'm glad you've been able to have support through it. Prays and happy vibes headed your way!

Brett, Juliann, and Mae said...

I'm so sorry! This makes me so sad.