trying to stay positive

For dinner I had chocolate milk and a plain bagel with plain cream cheese.  If asked what my all-time favorite meal is, that would be my answer. And it was delicious.

I finished Game of Thrones and loved it.  Not recommended for everyone as there are some "content issues"--but I read Sharon Kay Penman novels at a relatively young age so I can handle it. Sad thing: the 2nd in the series is "on order" at my library, and I'm the 7th in the queue. It'll be a while before I can get my hands on it.  I also just finished Divergent and quite enjoyed it.  I'm currently in the middle of Marisa de los Santos' 3rd novel.  So far it's just like her other 2 books--which means it's gorgeously written and I love it.

I've discovered that shaving my legs helps me feel better in any situation. (Except a situation in which I had both legs amputated, I guess.)  But really, it's remarkable how much my mood improves after shaving my legs.  Does anyone else feel this way?

This has been a crappy week.  The weather is keeping me from hanging out with Christy, which means I stay at home all day.  Ruby has been sick too, so we're both crabby and restless.

The day I miscarried, one of my wisdom teeth started hurting. (Come on, universe. Seriously?)  It's gotten worse and worse.  I now have an appointment on Friday to have my 2 wisdom teeth taken out.  I'm excited to not have to worry about my teeth anymore, and dreading the pain and anxiety that come with oral surgery.  (I wish I had just gotten them all out when I had one taken out last year.  Past Becca was pretty cowardly with that decision.)  So on Friday I will go take a blood test at my OB office in Provo (I have to go in weekly until my hcg levels are at a 5) and then go almost directly to the dentist.  And my weekend is entirely shot.

I was feeling very sorry for myself today, until about half an hour ago.  Two shaved legs and one eaten bagel later, I feel like a new person.  I am going to try to keep this feeling with me, because feeling depressed sucks.  Good food and good books definitely help.  I have to enjoy the good food while I can--come Friday, I won't be eating normally for a week.

one week later

Poor Kyle. No Birthday Week for him this year.  It's kind of rough when our house is feeling so melancholy.  Mom and Katy left on Friday and I haven't left the house since.  Ok not really--I went to a doctor appt. that afternoon, and yesterday we went to lunch with Alan and Nieman.  And really, we're fine.  I probably make it sound worse than it actually is.  Hopefully, the blood test results will come back and they'll call me and tell me I don't have to come in again.  They keep checking my blood to see if my pregnancy hormone levels are down to zero.  It's just a pain to keep going back in. I want the whole thing to be over.

Kyle's 28th birthday is tomorrow.  Kelsie offered to babysit Ruby, so we're going to do dinner and a movie using gift certificates Kyle got for his birthday.

Things that are making me happy:

• The results of retail therapy, courtesy of my mom--jeans and a couple shirts, lots and lots of food from Costco, Ruby's new Ikea chair that I'm going to cover, and her new Magnadoodle that we all love to play with.

• Thoughtful gifts from friends and family that let me know they're thinking of me, like a box of Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcakes from Nancy and awesome nail polish from Ashley (which I'm wearing right now).

• The huge stack of library books next to my bed.  Yesterday I read 500 pages of Game of Thrones  (finally, I've been wanting to read it forever!) and it's great to take my mind off things.

• Cadbury Mini-Eggs.

• Ruby's tricks. She is getting funnier every day and really brightens things up around here.

• The Thanksgiving Point pass my mom got for me and Christy. You know where we'll be every Tuesday and Thursday for the next year.

• Kyle.  Sometimes when he's asleep he looks like a movie star. A movie star who is helpful and sweet and extremely thoughtful.

• I'll miss Downton Abbey, but at least The Walking Dead is on tonight.

Right now I hear Ruby giggling wildly while Kyle gives her a bath. Things like that make me smile.

Very Sad News

Over the weekend I had a miscarriage.

I'm not really sure what to say about it.  Physically, it was extremely painful. Emotionally, it's confusing and hard to accept.  Right now I'm focusing on recovering physically and I'll deal with the other stuff later.

I was 12 weeks along so it came as a shock--12 weeks is right at the mark where you start to feel safe.
 
It's a terrible thing that has happened, but I feel very grateful for some things.  The main thing is that it happened at Zions, where we were with my family for a fun vacation weekend.  It sucks that the trip I've been so excited about was ruined, but I am so glad my family was with us. I had my mom to take care of me.  I had my dad to take care of business, like talking to the hotel to extend our check-out time and figuring out when we should leave.  I had my sisters to cry for me and take care of Ruby.  I had my brother-in-law to medicate me with his emergency stash of Vicodin.  I had Nieman and Alan to eat breakfast with Kyle when  I couldn't get out of bed and then drive our car home.   My mom and Katy are now staying here for the rest of the week and I'm grateful for their help and company.

I went to the OB today and saw a nice nurse practitioner.  She told me that the average woman has 1 or 2 miscarriages in her reproductive lifetime.  I don't need to go do a D&C, I've done it all on my own.  She gave me a prescription for pain meds, for which I am very grateful.  Miscarriages hurt.  They did some blood tests, and saw that my pregnancy hormones are still really high.  I have to go back on Friday and probably next week until the hormone levels get to zero.

The worst part is when I forget that it happened--and then have to remember all over again.  I've been a pregnant person for 3 months now, so it's an adjustment.  I have to remind myself that I CAN take ibuprofen and drink Dr. Pepper and have a hot pad on my stomach.  It's just hard to believe that I'm not pregnant anymore.  And when I wake up from a bad dream (which happens often, probably from the Vicodin) and think "oh phew, it wasn't real" but then remember what real life is right now and my relief goes away.  That sucks.

The dumbest things upset me.  Like, I bought a body pillow last week because I've heard it makes sleeping a lot easier when you get heavily pregnant.  I haven't taken it out of its package yet because I haven't needed it.  Now, I see it in my room and I'm furious that I spent money on it.  I don't want it. I want to throw it away.  But that's silly.  Especially because I'm sure I'll get pregnant again and need it in the future.  But for now, I hate that thing.

This is going to be really hard for Kyle and me but I know we'll be okay.  This is the first really hard thing that's happened to us and I already feel like we've grown closer and stronger together.  I am just trying to focus on the positive things and be grateful for them.

Valentines Day

We had another most excellent Valentines Day around here.  Kyle and I realized that this was our 5th Valentines Day together--totally wild!  Doesn't make any sense to me, but I keep counting and it keeps being 5, so it has to be true.

I woke up to a sweet note from Kyle and an entire bag of Mini Eggs. Mmm. (They are almost all gone already.)  Ruby and I met Christy and her girls in Draper and spent the afternoon with them, which is always my #1 Favorite Activity.  It turns out Ruby looooves valentines.  She got 3 from Lucy, Christy, and my mom and she carries them around with her all the time! It's really cute.

While out and about with Christy, I got Kyle his gift--a new firm pillow. He really likes it.

Once Kyle got home, we went on a Pick A Place date, one of our favorite things.  We take turns thinking of somewhere to go and surprise the other person with it.  It takes a lot of pressure off the "What are we going to do?" dilemma that we often find ourselves with.  I picked first--and surprised Kyle with a very fancy dinner at KFC.  Kyle loooooves KFC (ever since working there as a teen) but he never gets to go there because I think it's gross.  I felt very good giving him the gift of fried chicken, and quite enjoyed my biscuit :)  He then chose to walk around BYU campus and take cute pictures of Ruby. We hadn't been back on campus for a while so it was super fun!  As I watched him run around and play with Ruby, I thought about when I was single and saw young, handsome fathers playing with their adorable babies on campus and Just. Wanted. One.  Now I have one and it is so awesome and I feel incredibly lucky!

I chose dessert at Sweet Tooth Fairy, he chose going home to put Ruby to bed and get a frosty glass of milk to eat our cookies with, and I chose watching Return of the King (which Celia so awesomely sent me this week because she is the best).

Kyle is awesome and it was a great day. The end.

poor sicky baby

We have a sick little baby in our house.  Ruby's had a fever of 102 since Monday morning and it is NOT getting better.  The only thing that makes her feel better is watching Sesame Street while lying down on me.  She falls asleep like that, which hasn't happened since she was like 3 months old.  She is so miserable.

Last night we finally called our pediatrician.  We were told to come in because she hasn't had a wet diaper since Tuesday night, which is obviously not a good sign.  The doctor checked her heart, lungs, ears, mouth, and everything looked perfect.  Annoying.  So they put a catheter in the poor girl to check her urine to see if she has a UTI.  It was HORRIBLE.  She got back at the nurse by peeing all over her and the table.  They had to give us a onesie because her own shirt was soaked.  I guess she had a lot saved up in her little bladder.  We got to hear the ear-piercing scream that is reserved for the doctor's office--it makes her crying and yelling at home sound like an adorable mewing kitten.

It was all for nothing though--she doesn't have a UTI.  There's a 1% chance that her fever is coming from a  terrible scary malady that the doctor didn't specify.  The other 99% is that she has some virus that will hopefully work itself out.  I'm supposed to give her Tylenol, force her to drink a ton, see how she does today and tomorrow, and then call again.

So it looks like we'll have another lay on the couch day.  I am going a little bit stir-crazy but definitely don't want to take the poor bunny anywhere. It is so sad to see her like this--sooo not herself.   The doctor wasn't worried about her hydration because she's got plenty of tears and saliva, but I'll be relieved when she starts peeing again.

Best Thing #4

I would be remiss if I failed to mention the 4th Best Thing about my life right now.  Christy and Danny and the girls living in Salt Lake has greatly improved my life!  The only beef I have with them is that they live a full hour away.  Luckily, that hasn't stopped us from hanging out about twice a week.  The increase in our gas budget is worth it for the increase of my happiness (hopefully Kyle agrees).

Ruby loooooves Christy and her kids.  She gives Christy lots of hugs.  She plays with Lucy like CRAZY.  It is so fun to watch them run around together.  Ruby basks in the attention that Lucy gives her.  She also loves Joyce and Lydia!  She talks to them and gives them pats, it is really cute.

Hanging out with them definitely brightens my week.  We usually hang out on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Lucy's non-preschool days.  Today is Thursday and I'm not hanging out with them because Christy made plans WITH SOMEONE ELSE.  Rude.  Jk.  We also all get together on Saturdays sometimes, which is fun because Danny and Kyle get to hang out with each other.  Last week we went up there and babysat each others kids so we could both go on a date.  Kyle and I went out for brunch at this place in Salt Lake that has the BEST sourdough french toast, and then went to an enormous antique mall.  We then babysat their kids while Christy and Danny went out, and then we packed up all the babies and all went to The Pie for dinner. It was such a fun day!

Christy and I have wanted to live near each other for years.  We still think it's so exciting that we can go to lunch together, go shopping together, and make crafts together.  We're living the dream!  Now all we need is Katy here too!  The ultimate dream is to have a little Anderson Row on some street.  Someday.


Today is boring until Kyle gets home from work.  Then we are going to celebrate Groundhog Day by eating Costa Vida and getting my eyebrows waxed!  (That sounds weird.  Yesterday I got a haircut from Kerry and planned to get a wax, but we ran out of time so I'm going back today.)

The 3 Best Things

If asked, I would say that things are...good.  Not AMAZING, but definitely just fine.  The best things about life currently: Ruby being sooo funny and cute, Kyle being the most helpful and thoughtful man in the world, and Felicity.

RUBY.  She is insane.  She zips around the house, talking and playing with everything she can get her hands on.   Ruby talks CONSTANTLY.  She is a little babbler and I know it has meaning.  Sometimes she will look at me and say the same thing over and over again, waiting for me to get it. She is obsessed with her guys--Bunny and Tigger of course, and now also Abby and Nemo and Dumbo and a couple babies she has.  She feeds them, gives them juice, holds them and kisses them, pushes them in the stroller, and she's even starting to pretend to change their nonexistent diapers.  

Her favorite game is "Where's Bunny and Tigger?" which she plays with her dad.  She is really good at finding them after Kyle hides them and has started to hide them herself. Kyle and I just sit on the couch cracking up when she does this, it is so cute and funny.  

Ruby wants to dress herself.  She tries to put on her socks and pants by herself until I eventually help her because she is not even close at being able to do it.  It's so cute!  She tries putting on my shoes and I just about die. She does the signs for "more" and "all done" and she can say hi, bye, more, mama, dada, and no.  Caitlin is also pretty sure she said basketball yesterday at Timmy's birthday party, but I didn't hear it :)  Ruby looooves brushing her teeth with dad.  When we tell her it's time to say prayers, she comes and kneels down at the ottoman and usually folds her arm for a couple seconds.  Next we'll work on not giggling through the prayer and poking my face while I try to pray.

Ruby loves to count.  Not with numbers, of course.  She counts using made up numbers but the exact right inflection, it is so cute.  She does a big loud "DEEE!" that mimics how I sound when we get to "TEN!" It is adorable.  I now wake up every morning because it is so loud when she jumps in her crib, her new favorite activity.  Luckily, it keeps her extremely happy and entertained so I can sleep in.  When I do get her up in the morning, she points to her diaper to let me know she needs it changed. She loooooves Sesame Street, particularly Elmo.  She freaks out with joy when I put on the Elmo cd when we're driving.  We watch an episode while eating breakfast, and it makes her eat soooo slowly.  She loves it.  

Ruby is amazing and every night Kyle and I tell Heavenly Father how grateful we are for her.  

KYLE.  Guys, how did I get a man like Kyle?  He does everything for me.  By the time he gets home from work, I am completely wiped out and feeling sick and exhausted.  As soon as he gets home (from his own long and trying day at work), I get on the couch and he proceeds to do EVERYTHING.  He feeds and takes care of Ruby, he feeds and takes care of me.  He does the laundry and the dishes and cleans the rest of the house.  AND he manages to do it all with a smile on his face, to keep me from feeling too extremely guilty that he is doing everything by himself while I just lay on the couch.  He says that my biggest job is just to survive and grow this baby.  He really understands how miserable pregnancy can be, and he tries to make me feel better any way he can.  The other night I was feeling desperate for chocolate so he went to his nightstand and got out a Milky Way he had been secretly saving for just such an occasion.  COME ON THAT IS AWESOME.  He is amazing.

FELICITY.  Is it weird that a 90s show would be such a lifesaver these days?  Ok, so at this point in my pregnancy I am SO TIRED.  There are days when I have to let Kyle know that he is married to Zombie Becca at the moment.  All I want in the world is to TAKE A NAP. Buuuut I am also having trouble going to sleep at night--like, getting in bed at 9:30 and not falling asleep until 3.  SO I am trying really hard to not nap during the day, because that really kills nighttime sleep for me.  The hardest part of the day is during Ruby's nap.  I have like a 2 hour stretch of time when I don't have the energy to do anything but sit on the couch, but I CANNOT let myself go to sleep.  So. Enter Felicity.  It is the only thing that is capable of keeping me awake during those times.  Mostly because of how AWESOME AND DRAMATIC AND COMPELLING it is.  I remember when it was on when I was a kid, not nearly old enough to understand or even watch it.  Even without watching it, I knew that I LOVED Ben and didn't understand the appeal of Noel.  OH HOW I'VE GROWN.  Noel is now my faaaave and Ben is just cute.  When anything happens between Noel and Felicity, my heart literally jumps in my chest. That's how much I love them together. Thanks heavens for Netflix, which has all 4 seasons on Instant Play.